1. You talk to yourself (duh!?) 2. You’re physically doing nothing but thinking about doing everything 3. You answer a question that your own thoughts asked 4. You’re reliving a past experience or creating a future story 5. Flies land without resistance into your slacked jaw 6. Every thought starts with I should, I need, I’m going to 7. People say “Earth to (insert name)” or “hello?” when talking to you 8. You believe the thoughts in your head are real 9. You search for your cell phone while holding it in your own hand 10. You can relate to most of these top 10’s
I’m writing this post feeling somewhat depressed and disconnect from who I am. It’s not that I am contemplating my end and I have not actually forgotten my name. I’m struggling with the constant waves . The ebb and flow in and out of my life.
At times, I feel as if I am riding on the crest of the perfect wave. My body, mind and spirit are in alignment. I am not forcing the ride and I am not worrying about making a mistake. I am simply a part of it. I let go, and am drawn forward. I am engaged and have control to turn this way or that way. I know “in my gut” that following rather than resisting is what makes the ride “perfect”.
At other times I feel pushed. I second guess myself. I feel out of alignment. I am anxious, worried and “in my head”. I am no longer riding the crest. I’m consumed by thousands of tons of choking water. My body twists and contorts under the crushing weight. I struggle for air. My thoughts are scattered. I ask myself “How am I being crushed under the weight of this wave when I was riding it's crest moments ago?” I had this down. I understood it. What did I do wrong?
This of course is utter insanity but, I do it. I have struggled intensely with the ups and downs in my life. I am not perfect and I am learning that I will never be “perfect”. The kind of perfection I am speaking of is thinking that because I experienced the “perfect wave” one time, I should be able to do it again and again, without "doing anything wrong". This is my struggle and when I am focused on not making a mistake, I miss the valuable lessons my imperfections hold.
At some point, I am reminded of a few things that begin to bring me back to self. I remember that when I am feeling this way, I am trying to prove something to myself and to others. The struggle is about my fear of failing and ultimately of not being good enough, accepted or loved, just as I am. Deep inside I have disconnected and do not believe in myself. I remember that it is OK and that I am OK just as I am. I can embrace all of who I am without struggling to be someone else. This frees me up emotionally and energizes me to move forward. I always learn something in this process. Internally, I become less cluttered and have more space to breath and be me.
Be at peace and know that warm sunny days and blue skies are coming. The storms will also come but you do not need to be anxious about this. Storms bring water for life and alleviate drought. Their wind and surge clear out debris. Both offer incredible beauty and purpose.
You also have incredible beauty and purpose. Embrace, accept and love all of who you are on your journey towards becoming who you want to be. You are enough. You got this.
Life is not easy, especially when you are living with a broken heart. When our heart is broken, we hold back our best, we question ourselves, fearing that who we are is not enough. We want to give and receive but the thought of being rejected again is too much, so we don't.
The ghosts that whisper in our ears about the past are not there to guide us in a better direction. They certainly are not there to teach us about love. They are there to keep us away from the experience of being hurt again. They can do nothing else because... they are from the past. How can we find what we are looking for when we are hiding in the corner of what we never want to experience? Avoiding being hurt does not move us closer to love. It moves us further away, because the same mechanism meant to keep out the pain, will keep out the love as well. We may have needed walls to protect ourselves for a time. Our bodies are amazing. But the past will continue to check in and replay that moment. When the walls are no longer serving you, they must be dismantled in order to move forward.
For me, it starts by acknowledging the past experience that I have been trying to forget but continue to relive. Acknowledging looks like this: Rather than pushing that "thing", lets say the experience of a broken heart away from me, I acknowledge that it happened. Does this seem too simple? Think about how much time we spend trying not to think about that thing. Maybe you look at it in your minds eye with disgust. Maybe you dust around it. Whatever your thing is, I am suggesting that you simple acknowledge it. The reality is that you are already reliving the experience again and again anyway. Instead of telling it to go away, I am simply asking you to say, yes I see you.
So, I acknowledge and then... I embrace it. Embracing is different. Embracing looks like this: Rather than labeling that same broken heart and adding all the stories of what happened, why it happened and why it wasn't fair, just try to be with your broken heart. No judgement or story behind it. Just the shitty reality that you had your heart broken.
That is no different than listening to the ghost whispering right? Wrong. That was about staying away. This is about acknowledging, not dismissing the fact that you have a past. You get unstuck by embracing and accepting the present just as it is... at this moment. What does this change? It allows the past to be heard. Nobody likes not being heard. Once heard and acknowledged, the past can be... in the past. It should have a space but it is only a memory. When you embrace who you are, acknowledging all the parts up to this point, you are able to accept and love yourself and the people around you without the need to hide. This is incredibly empowering and it's what will move you forward.
So, next time you catch yourself listening to the whispers of the past and notice that you are stuck in a familiar circle, do a 180. Try something different: Acknowledge your past for what it is. Do not be embarrassed, make excuses or put yourself down. It is your past. We all have one. Then, embrace the story in the present for what it is and accept yourself just as you . This will empower your future. I know you got this! This is Lifein180.