Updated: Jan 29, 2020
It’s easy to be honest about things that don’t make me vulnerable but it takes courage to be honest when I believe, rightly or wrongly - that I am putting myself at risk. At risk of not be accepted, being judged, failing, exposing myself or hurting the people closest to me.
Sometimes I am afraid of saying the truth about how I am feeling out loud for fear of crossing an imaginary line of commitment. It’s OK to take time to figure things out but we can get so caught up in trying to do it right that we miss how much we are keeping in and doing wrong. When we don’t speak our truth, we begin harboring lies, trapped in an imaginary world of perfectionism with ourselves and those closest to us. We think we are being kind by not letting the other person know how we really feel for fear of hurting their feelings but in truth, what we are being is dishonest with them and ourselves. The people closest to us – our spouse, our friends, our family and the people who count on us, unknowingly become a part of a make believe world where everything is “OK”.
When I am not true to myself about how I feel, I perpetuate a silent tug of war inside at the center of who I am. These feelings can lead to even more basic lies as I try to cover up my “going against myself”. When not addressed, these actions lead to more actions until not speaking my truth becomes more accurately described as simply – lying.
I come from a broken family filled with emotional and physical abuse. The sexual abuse against myself and my sister at the hands of my father and others felt like the worst at one time. In hindsight and having worked through much of this however, it’s the emotional baggage that has been the most difficult to shake. I have my own issues as a result. I tend to shut down and flee the scene when things get too heavy. I struggle with wanting to be seen and feel heard. I have worked very hard to grow through these experiences. Taking the walls down brick by brick has been excruciating but the rewards of experiencing and sharing love that is not needy or dependent is amazing.
Speaking my truth, facing the truth, being OK with not being perfect, being willing to accept that my relationships may not always feel safe and will not be perfect has allowed me to face my darkest. I no longer believe that we are forced to face our fears because of some cruel joke life has decided to play on us. Tragedy does not strike to mock us. On the contrary, I now believe that Life is speaking to us and showing us that we are totally and wholly loved – just the way we are and that when we can let go of our pain, anger and shame, the lies we create to protect ourselves become unnecessary.
It is not an easy road but it is a worthy cause. Our personal relationships are not just about making us feel good, placating our need to be told how great we are. Handing off one set of baggage for our partners. No, I believe there is a much deeper purpose. If we do not allow the relationships in our life to challenge, sharpen and make us stronger, we become stagnant and stop evolving. There is a time to learn and a time to leave. Everything around us is evolving, so when we stop evolving and only resist moving forward – the problems begin.
Ultimately, Life and Love is calling us forward and through our pain. Life is bringing to the surface anything that is not like Itself which provides clarity for our confusion and peace for our lives and relationship.
We are meant to live boldly, to pursue our dreams, to fulfill our purpose and to simply know how it feels to love and be loved. That's "Life In 180".
Peace to you.