I’m writing this post feeling somewhat depressed and disconnect from who I am. It’s not that I am contemplating my end and I have not actually forgotten my name. I’m struggling with the constant waves . The ebb and flow in and out of my life.
At times, I feel as if I am riding on the crest of the perfect wave. My body, mind and spirit are in alignment. I am not forcing the ride and I am not worrying about making a mistake. I am simply a part of it. I let go, and am drawn forward. I am engaged and have control to turn this way or that way. I know “in my gut” that following rather than resisting is what makes the ride “perfect”.
At other times I feel pushed. I second guess myself. I feel out of alignment. I am anxious, worried and “in my head”. I am no longer riding the crest. I’m consumed by thousands of tons of choking water. My body twists and contorts under the crushing weight. I struggle for air. My thoughts are scattered. I ask myself “How am I being crushed under the weight of this wave when I was riding it's crest moments ago?” I had this down. I understood it. What did I do wrong?
This of course is utter insanity but, I do it. I have struggled intensely with the ups and downs in my life. I am not perfect and I am learning that I will never be “perfect”. The kind of perfection I am speaking of is thinking that because I experienced the “perfect wave” one time, I should be able to do it again and again, without "doing anything wrong". This is my struggle and when I am focused on not making a mistake, I miss the valuable lessons my imperfections hold.
At some point, I am reminded of a few things that begin to bring me back to self. I remember that when I am feeling this way, I am trying to prove something to myself and to others. The struggle is about my fear of failing and ultimately of not being good enough, accepted or loved, just as I am. Deep inside I have disconnected and do not believe in myself. I remember that it is OK and that I am OK just as I am. I can embrace all of who I am without struggling to be someone else. This frees me up emotionally and energizes me to move forward. I always learn something in this process. Internally, I become less cluttered and have more space to breath and be me.
Be at peace and know that warm sunny days and blue skies are coming. The storms will also come but you do not need to be anxious about this. Storms bring water for life and alleviate drought. Their wind and surge clear out debris. Both offer incredible beauty and purpose.
You also have incredible beauty and purpose. Embrace, accept and love all of who you are on your journey towards becoming who you want to be. You are enough. You got this.