Recently while talking to my partner Bell, I realized that the term “I’m trying” is no longer working for me when describing what I am feeling. I would rather go with … I am checking in with my thoughts.
This was regarding our honesty about how we feel about ourselves, our relationship and I think, things in general that are internal. “I’m trying”, to me, sounds like an old story. Like I am forcing something, like what I am doing is not enough, so “I am trying”... trying to be better. I am trying, sounds like something I “should or need” to do. This does not work. The should’s and need’s regarding how I feel have fallen away. They now point to the truth that in that moment of should and need, I am telling an old story of mine. These words only point to shame, guilt, doubt, and fear.
No, I am checking in with my thoughts now. How does this thought make me feel? Where am I feeling it? Is it familiar? Does it remind me of a past memory? Is it attached to anything? Is it the truth? Can I prove it. There is nothing wrong with feelings and saying my truth so to check in with these feelings is to allow myself internally a voice to be heard. It honors what I am thinking and feeling, not putting it down. It does not steer where I am going by attaching some meaning to it. I “should or need” is a way to get off track and avoid the feelings as if they are something bad within themselves. I should not feel this way. I should feel that way. This is a trap and a vicious circle.
“Checking in” allows me to learn from where I am without convoluting it with a story about where I should be. In this way I can embrace who I am in the moment and listen for the lesson.
To me, this is real life and this is life in 180. #lifein180