The months after I asked for a divorce are such a blur as I look back. The heartbreak I felt within, the shattering of the life I had known and had tried so hard to build was crashing around me. This is how I felt at the time. I know it takes two in every relationship. My ex and I were both ready for a change it was just a matter of how and when. I chose to do it out of thin air so it seems but it was years in the making. I don’t recommend divorce by any stretch of the imagination. I wasn’t raised around it. I honestly felt like, I’ve made my bed and now I must lie in it. So I did for 23 years. I didn’t see divorce as an option for me, not with the kids and all. Up until every fiber in my being needed to break free. I had to listen to my heart.
The weeks proceeding, I remember lying in the fetal position on my bed after the boys left for school many a days. Dragging myself to go outside for a walk. Clearing my head and letting all the emotions go through me. I remember so clearly days where I was hiking on an upper trail and I had to say out loud to myself, one foot in front of the other. You can do this....keep moving forward. I had to repeat this over and over till I was moving again. I also had a morning where I had a panic attack and I couldn’t catch my breath. I was alone on top of the hill and I had only myself. In that moment I had never felt more alone. All my life I have had people around me. I went from my home, to college, then marriage. I had never been alone. This is when my self discovery into who I am again, truly begins. I started to look inward to see what makes me tick. I had many a ha moments and still do. I love to learn and grow when I was able to put a finger on my emotion or story I then began to heal myself. Accepting our past is one of the biggest acts of kindness we can do for ourselves. I look forward to sharing more vulnerable moments of my healing process with you. Together let’s heal and share our stories with others. This is Life in 180.